Since I had a mole removed from my back earlier this year, I had to get more skin and cells removed. I had this done last Tuesday (January 24) and I’ve been healing since. The stitches hurt, some of my shirts have bloody smears on them, and I need a fresh bandage put on it every day. It’s annoying, but I’ll have a cool scar by the end of it. Really what I want is answers; I want to know the pathology results. The results were suppose to be back by now, but they haven’t called me saying whether or not I’m cleared. Granted, there’s a 0.0000001 percent I have anything, but this sense of not knowing is stressful and terrifying. I just want to know so I can move on with my life and continue not going out in the sun. Guess I’ll watch more Steven Universe in the mean time.
I promised myself that I was going to start writing and posting more. Instead I’ve been avoiding it because when I come home from work, I’m exhausted and I don’t wanna do anything besides eat snacks and watch cartoons. It’s really annoying.
Annoying to the point where I don’t even know if I should be writing. I’ve been working on the same idea and premise for almost five years now with little to no advancement. I’ve had the idea and story for ages, working on how to connect it all, and finalizing it, but nothing. Nothing has been added to it. It gets to my depression sometimes in the most spectatcular ways.
But then I see movies like La La Land, which plays to that optimist in me. The story is in the vein of being meta while staying grounded. The performances are amazing, the music is enthralling, and the ending is the best I’ve seen since Birdman. I won’t spoil it, but it doesn’t end with a traditional happy ending; just a sense of closure. It’s in these moments that I remember the promise I made for myself in 2017.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself because I’m not where I want to be, I’m actually going to work toward my goal. I’m going to be selfish this year and make 2017 the year of Ryan.
That, and when a mysterious mole on your back gets scrapped off your body and the biopsy shows that it was a very, very early stage of melonina, you realize how fucking terrifying a life unfulfilled is.
Seriously, I don’t go outside without a shirt on so to hear that i might have skin cancer is just a slap in the face. It’s like, “Hey, remember all of your other health problems? Well, fuck you, here’s skin cancer.” I’m not making light of people with skin cancer or who’ve had skin cancer, but I’m glad this was caught early.
Anyway, I’m going to work on some things and be back soon. Enjoy your day.
So I bought a new keyboard to try and help me write more. I have a nice laptop, but there’s something about working on my tablet that’s more rewarding for some reason.
I’ve been neglecting my writing and my reading, but I want to get back on track with that. One blog post a day. It’s sometimes that easy to do and try something new while writing.
I’ve got some ideas that I wanna explore and now that I have a portable and detachable keyboard, i feel like I can get back to where I’ve wanted to be since 2012.
You ever feel like you’re going to cry? You’ve had a couple of rough days and you just feel like letting out every tear you’ve been holding back for a while? There’s nothing warranting it; you just wanna do it.
That’s the feeling I’ve been clinching on to for about a week now. I’ve unfortunately been off my anti-depressant for almost two weeks now and at first I was fine. The last time I was off of it it took three days to feel any negative side effects. This time it took six days to feel it.
It wasn’t normal, either. I thought I would just get really mopey and have low energy. Nope. There were dizzy spells, lower-than-expected energy, violent mood swings, and just anger seething through my teeth. It’s been awful.
While I’m seeing my doctor soon to get more refills, I’ve had some moments of clarity and moments of utter fear. And yet the tears just wait on my ducts just waiting for me to give in and start rolling down my face.
Honestly, I wouldn’t mind it, either. A good cry is suppose to be therapeutic, and since it will be January 2016 before I see my new psychologist again, I could use a decent therapy session.
Maybe that’s the point of being in therapy: recognizing when you need to feel something and properly feeling it instead of just surprising it.
I’m in the market for a new car and I narrowed my options between Ford and Toyota. I went to my Ford dealer and had a great experience with them. Then I went to a Toyota dealer and had a awful experience with them. I was so pissed off and disappointed about the whole thing that I found their Facebook page and started to read the reviews. I decided to write one, too.
However, I decided not to post it because A.) that would continue me acknowledging that their still in the running for my business and B.) I can’t be that harsh to someone.
So instead I’m posting it on my blog with the name taken out so you can see what I would’ve posted and understand why they can no longer have my money.
Review: I’m in the market for a new vehicle and I decided to come to [NAME WITHHELD] to test a few options. I had two vehicles in mind I wanted to test drive: the Yaris hatchback and the RAV4. When I arrived, the idea of driving a Yaris was immediately thrown out and I was being pushed into a Corolla, a car I had zero interest in. After being talked down to like I hadn’t done my research on both vehicles and like I had never seen a new car before, I test dove a new RAV4, and then we discussed financing options. While our rep worked with us on the leasing option (something I was open to, but didn’t want to commit to) he didn’t work with us on a longer payment plan for purchasing the RAV4 and instead came back with another leasing option for the Corolla – a car I had no interest in and did not want. After the third or forth time he worked with the manager about the leasing option, I had to remind him that I was only looking today and did not want to commit. Apparently that turned him into a toddler who didn’t get his way and he started pouting. He didn’t even have the decency to shake my hand when I left. I walked away pissed off and incredibly disappointed.
See? Told you it was bad.
Because I’ve been exhausted coming home from work and staring at a blank word document.
I have another series planned, I just haven’t written the damn thing down yet.
So, enjoy some new twenty one pilots.
Because my local radio station turned me on to them and you should like them, too.
I haven’t posted a damn thing since December and I’m embarrassed. This used to be an outlet for me to voice my frustrations and showcase things I thought were cool or interesting, but now it’s slowly going back the way of the MARK I: a relic that has no value in this world. Well, I’m readjusting to my new job and lifestyle, so hopefully I’ll be able to clear out some things that have been piling up in my draft queue for a while.
Let’s all just take a moment and appreciate that great artists and videos like this one still exist.