Anna Howard Shaw
If I have to read one more goddamn status about how phoney, fake, and what a Hallmark holiday Valentine’s day is, I’m going to use social media to locate and verbally abuse people to quit their bitching.
Highlights from the day (with commentary!):
“Stupid fucking holiday. I’m single and proud of it!”
You’re also a self-proclaimed nice guy who doesn’t understand that not all women want to sleep with you. Crazy concept, I know, but it’s true. Accept it and move on. And possibly invest in a new haircut.
“I don’t care that I’m alone. He was a douche anyway. YOLO.”
Oh sweetheart, you clearly do care, but it’s good that you realized how big of a douche (or tool, they’re easily confusable) he is/was, he might’ve changed. And it’s 2013, let’s Carpe that Diem instead.
“Wearing black and going to an anti-Valentine’s dinner with the Besties!”
Ugh, it’s people like you that make life on the Internet insufferable. I get it: you and your friends are miserable because you’re romantically alone on a romantic holiday, but for the love of that is holy shut the fuck about it. I wouldn’t care as much but when you’re averaging every three statuses about how sad and pathetic your love life is, I lose all sympathy for you. Buck the fuck up already.
Now, I know what some of you probably aren’t asking, but I’ll carry on an imaginary conversation between us.
“Well, wait, aren’t you single today?”
“Yeah, I am. I don’t wanna be and had things gone differently, I wouldn’t be alone today, but the fact is that I am, but I’m not letting that get me down.”
“What were your original plans?”
“I don’t know you, random blog reader, I’m not explaining myself to you.”
“… Okay, but if you were with someone, wouldn’t you wanna make it special?”
“Of course, I’m not heartless. But, I also ascertain that every day with your loved one should be special… Which is something I took for granted in the past… Stop making me think about things!”
So, to everyone out there on the Webz today just share something special with your followers and friends. It could be a humorous website, an awkward card, or a website to a crouton. Seriously, I saw someone post to a site called “www.crouton.net” and it’s a crouton. I don’t get it, but it’s apparently funny.
Happy Valentine’s day and remember that tomorrow is discount chocolate day.