What I’ve Learned from My Depression (Part Three)
Porn Will Not Fill The Void
Sorry, Charlie but that vaguely, similar looking female that kind of looks like your ex is just going to cause you shame and remorse as soon as you’re done blowing your jizz nose. I know that analogy is disgusting and a bit uncivilized, but most people watch pornography in some way shape or form. While some months were better than others, I had a porn problem. I wasn’t watching it at work or in public and I kept it pretty under wraps, but the frequency and length that I was partaking in that perverse pleasure was distressing. I almost put the parental controls on just so I could use the Internet without going to a dirty site. Eventually I disgusted myself so much that I refocused that energy into doing something more productive rather than seeing how many naughty pictures I could save my iPad before anyone noticed.
On That Note: Don’t Backslide Into Bad Habits
This one was tough for me because I wasn’t sure what my bad habits were. What felt like indulgent pleasures that I would partake in once a month or so became a daily activity for me. No matter how much I thought I was improving, I was still falling back into old habits. It’s tough to drudge yourself out of them, too. Once you start yourself on a better path, you need to stay on it despite what that low-tone voice is saying in the back of your head. That voice is secretly the sin of sloth trying to prevent you from doing anything productive. He’s slowing convincing you that what you’re doing is normal and okay, even though you know it’s wrong and counter-intuitive. That bastard used to win against me all the time, until I finally took a bottle of vodka down his throat. That one worked surprisingly well.
Your Motivation Will Ebb and Flow
The problem with the ebb and flow spectrum is that with depression (especially when it’s untreated), you tend to stay more on the ebb side. Even when you have the flow to get things done, you’ll work for a few hours and then scurry yourself back to your cave to stay out of the public’s eye. Even if you have a semi-productive day, it still won’t feel like enough because you’re letting yourself down at every at turn. Especially if you spend all day online comparing your situation to everyone else’s and not on what’s important for you. I was caught in comparing every minute detail of my life with people from college who I hadn’t spoken to in years and that was one of my biggest problems.